“Oh What A Day! From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!” ― Dr. Seuss

by | Feb 7, 2015 | Stories

I’m dispensing with most of my usual disclaimers.  You might be happy to know this story does not involve my sweet hubby or any of his AKA’s…..he’s such a good sport.  It’s hard to exclude him when he usually provides me such good material.  Not to worry, I’m sure there will be plenty more.

This story actually occurred on 2/2/15 ; but it truly has taken me a few days to recover from the humorous shock and awe…..as well as, find some quiet writing time……..retirement doing a lot of nothing can be really tough sometimes.  Where does the time go?  Warning:  This story may get long.  It was quite an afternoon.

Background:  We attend a church near our RV Resort in Naples called Living Word Family Church.  It fits our desire for lively music and great real life applicable sermons.  I decided to try to get a little bit involved since this is our 2nd season of attending.  A couple weeks ago I attended their Ladies Night Out event.  It’s probably not a surprise that I signed up for a small women’s  group meeting on Monday afternoons to share some religious/spiritual humor.

It’s a good thing I left a few minutes early to insure I would arrive on time.  Have I told you that I’m directionally challenged?  I regularly go on what I call adventures (that what I call getting lost).  My elder sisters and Jilly (alias for my sister-in-law) can especially appreciate these experiences.   It’s a good thing I love technical devices and adore my GPS.  One was named “Dora the Explorer” and another “Amelia” for Amelia Earhart (although I hope I always find my way back.)

Let the afternoon begin!  It started by tootling down a main road by us on a sunny day and feeling good about the “16 minute” trip to the intended destination per my phone Navigation app.  And then it happened.  Google GPS coordinates went ballistic.  Why wouldn’t it?!  After I took my first easy right turn, the GPS went spastic as we (GPS and I) approached “Presidential Way,” “Presidential Circle,” “Presidential Trail,” “Presidential Road,” “Presidential Ave.”  Get the drift?   Was Meniere’s disease setting in?  I was experiencing vertigo (notice I didn’t say I was dizzy).

I was desperate for some Meclizine.  That wasn’t going to happen; so I naturally burst into singing Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off.”  That seemed to help.   I carried on, made some lucky guesses, and recovered.  Whew!  I arrived at a gated community where the Hostess of the Women’s Group resided.

Glenda had instructed us to give the gate attendant our names and we would be allowed to enter this gated community.  I seemed to be in the right place.  There were several cars lined up to enter and I suspected they might also be going to Glenda’s.  In went the first car through the black wrought iron gate. Now it’s my turn.  The gate opened up and I pulled in.  Nothing happened.  No gate attendant came out.   Hello?  Hello?  I pulled up a couple more inches and much to my alarm, a gate dropped down in front and the one behind closed simultaneously.  I was literally caged in an area just a few inches longer than our Trailblazer. Now what??!  How do I get out of here?  I inched forward again.  I started to get out to see if anyone was in the gate building when suddenly the front gate lifted and I ESCAPED.  Yep….gunned that sucker and then proceeded cautiously.

It was a heavenly community.  It was beautiful.  Huge, Huge, HUGE beautiful homes with gorgeous landscaping.  Approximately 3 miles to go to Glenda’s  address.  Oh my goodness, there it was.  Glenda was at the front door to greet us as we arrive.  Her home looked the size of a hotel (as did the other homes) and as stunning as a tropical hotel lobby.  Exquisitely furnished and decorated.

Glenda asked me and several other ladies if we wanted to take the spiral stair case up to the 2nd floor or the elevator.  I like the splendid appearance of a spiral staircase; but have never been crazy about going up and down on them.  That preference will change soon as you will see.

I headed toward the elevator.  The three women inside motioned me in and assured me that we probably would not exceed the weight limit.  The elevator was just large enough for the four of us.  I had not previously met two of the other women.  The third woman, Suzanne, I had met at the Ladies Night Out I mentioned above.  She’s an interesting gal and about my age.  I haven’t quite figured Suzanne out yet.  She was dressed like a disco ball…..very bright, glittery, and shiny.  To watch a video?  She has an accent of some sort?  Southern?  No.  British?  No.  Actually French.  What do I know?  It’s ridiculous the lack of culture diversity there was in Glasgow, Montana where I grew up.

The four of us tried to position ourselves in the elevator so we didn’t touch.  It was close quarters.  That’s how big or should I say how small the elevator was.  The door on the outside had a regular door handle.  We closed that and then pulled across the inside accordion door until it connected with the magnetic latch.   Up, up, and away we’d go.  Well, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

Sylvia:  “Good Lord are we ever going to get to the 2nd floor.  It’s just one floor up.”

The two older women (probably somewhere in their 70’s or 80’s) looked at each other and started laughing.  The shorter one was giggling and shaking like a bowl full of jelly.   I was quite surprised by their silliness.  My kind of women.  The elevator motor sound continues.  It doesn’t stop.  We were all getting too warm.  We decided we’d try to open the door.  Horror of Horrors.  We’re hung up between floors.  The floor of our elevator is about three feet below the 2nd level floor.

Sylvia:  “Ladies, Suzanne, just so you know, I learned I was claustrophobic in an elevator incident about 30 years ago, followed by two more similar panic attacks.  It was not pleasant or pretty.  So excuse me while I start my chant.”

Suzanne:  “ Praise God.  Thank you Jesus.  Please lift us up.”

Sylvia:  “No.  No.  I don’t want to be lifted up.  I want to stay on this earth.   Oh…..unless you meant to lift us up to the next floor.  Then yes, please quickly lift us up.”

Meanwhile, Glenda was shouting at us from outside the outside door on the 2nd floor.  “Are you OK?  I’m looking for the key for the outside door which won’t open.  Close the inside door.  I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”   Finally she unlocks and muscles the door open.  We are still between floors.   We ended up putting our butts on the upper floor, twisting around, getting on our knees and crawling out.  Hard to describe so use your imagination.

Whew.  My heart was still racing.  Glenda ushered us into the Theatre and offered us snacks, popcorn, and something to drink.  Yes, it was an actual Movie Theatre with a refreshment stand, beverages, several rows of comfortable electronically reclining chairs, and movie screen that took up the whole front wall.  The steps down to the seats were even lighted like a real movie theatre.  Very cool.

We would watch a movie featuring Shonda Pierce, a Christian comedian who tells funny stories and weaves in Christian songs.  What added to the humor were the women around me who nodded off, snored, and then suddenly broke into song with Shonda.

Predictably, I took the spiral stairs down when the movie was over and prayed that getting out the gate would not be traumatic.  What a day it was!   Do you think I should go back next week?  If I do, I think I’ll take food, water, a pillow, blanket, flashlight, and extra cell phone battery in case I get caught in the property gate again.

Stick with me.  Life’s a hoot!

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Based out of Champlin, Minnesota. Serving and Welcoming Creativity and Humor 
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